Gabor Nogradi

Help, it's a human!

The Golden Hamster

I was thinking for a looooong time should I publicly discuss my troubles or should I just keep my mouth shut. Because who would give a... thought about a little hamster’s life? At the end, I have decided to speak up. Maybe my list of complaints will help some fellow hamsters who must endure similar hardships.

First of all, I must say that humans are very strange animals.

I know, because for over two years I have had to put up with the terrible habits of this human-child, called Lionel Lazyboy.

And let me tell you – two years in hamster-life is quite a long time. It’s like fifty years with humans, as hamsters usually live only for as much as three years. If we are lucky. Well, lucky enough NOT to live with the Lionel Lazyboy-type  banditos.


So what is my problem?

Honestly, everything! Let’s begin with my housing issues. First of all, this Lionel lad 

confined me to this square-shaped aquarium, a "home" I could accept,

although a nice cage would have a much better

air-conditioning. But hey, we hamsters are not too fussy.

We are happy with these glass-wall cubes, as long as

our home is being regularly cleaned, we have some

sawdust and dust-free shavings under our little

paws that is often changed to fresh, and we have a

bunch of hay placed in one corner for bedding.

Add a small wooden box that we can curl up in,

'nough nuts to hide under our nest and we are literally

set for life!

     So do I have any of these? Nooooo! This careless juvenile puts the Sunday Times under me, which is full of chemicals that can be deadly for me, as I tend to nibble away all papers and cartons. Not only he always forgets to clean my house, he just has enough brainpower to wake me up from my deepest sleeps by groping me and thus frighten me to death. And then, listen to this, he has the nerve to be angry at me when I bit his chubby fingers! He also steals the food I hide under my nest to save for a rainy day (not actually a day when it’s raining, but for a day when there is not enough food around, you understand), and then he is laughing at me when I run around mad in search for my carefully preserved nuts.

     My only salvation is that the Long-Hair Human, whom Lazybone calls ’Mommy’, now and then feels sorry for me and cleans my aquarium. Even worse, my not-too-bright owner feeds me with chocolate and buisquits. Not that I do not like sweets, because I must confess that I do, but even I know that it is bad for me. Actually, I started to look just as round as he does. How come a year-six homo sapiens cannot grasp the fact that we like to eat natural foods, such as grains, corn, oats and vegetable, and ocassionally, some small insects. Our ancestors lived in the desert in a country called Syria – that is why we are also called the ’Syrian hamsters’ –, where our main food were all kinds of seeds we could find in the sand. And also, why is so hard to remember that we only eat once a day, not all day long, like this Haggard the Laggard does. Should I even mention the water-issue. Just because I naturally live in the desert, it does not mean that i don’t like to drink fresh water. I do! And not a bowl, but a bottle with a neck from what I can sip water. Is that too much to ask? And let me not even start with the exercise... Just because we like to sleep all day, we were born to run. So a this wheel-thingy would be really nice, one that I can get into and have regular exercise, and so could my puppies. Speaking of which, this is also a story worth to mention. About a year ago, this Lionel kid had the idea that I must have been lonely (the truth is, if anyone cares to know, I actually like being alone) and brought home a lady hamster. First my home turned into a real battle-field, as this newcomer wanted to grab my food, but then, slowly, we grew fond of each other. And we fell in love. It happens. And soon we had sixteen little hamsters running around. Which was fine, until this smelly Lionelly groped the little ones. My wife does not really like strange odors on the kids... This groping habit drives me crazy? The Long-Hair-Human always worries that Lionel gets some diseases from us – of course, if he keeps kissing us and fails to wash his hands after playing with us... 

But ’nough from my ramblings! The morning is here so I have to get ready for bed.

We hamsters are nocturnal animals, which is just a strange word for 'sleeping like babies during the day and being busy at night'. That is, if the hairy man-child does not start his day with standing above the aquarium and shouting into my face

’Good Morning, My Little Hamster Monster!!!!’ so I get a heart-attack.

Excuse me! Who do you call a 'monster'????

Look, who’s talking!

Hungarian school children giving a performance based on

Gabor Nogradi's book Help, it's a human!